1.15.2005

CBQ: A New Measure in Film Assessment

StinkyLulu feels its important that -- in these trying times -- that filmgoers are honest with themselves and their fellows about the pleasures they gather at the googaplex.

For these reasons, StinkyLulu proposes the adoption of the CBQ Standard for movie assessment. The CBQ -- or, Cute Boy Quotient -- measures the pleasures of a film as determined by the ratio of a film's actual enjoyability to the film's enjoyability as a singular result of the preponderance of cute guys in the cast.

For example, consider the hockey movie Miracle. In most respects, a brain-softening piece of propagandist puff. On a scale of 1-10, StinkyLulu would probably give it a 2. When Miracle is considered exclusively for the CB (translation: Cute Boy) aspect, StinkyLu would give the film a solid 10. So the ratio emerges of 2:10 which StinkyLulu's mathemagics makes into a CBQ of 5. Meaning: Miracle is 5 times as enjoyable as it would otherwise be simply because of the Cute Boys.

If, however, applying the CBQ to a film like Friday Night Lights (with a ratio of 8:8 -- getting both a solid 8 as film and as a CB film), don't be discouraged by the 1:1 ratio. A CBQ of 1 -- for a film already worth seeing -- is like free dessert, extra tasty treats in an already appetizing dish and is thereby designated as a 1*. (Pleae note that the CBQ does also -- though infrequently -- produce negative ratings. Films with Icky leading men like Jack Nicholson are especially vulnerable here: Something's Gotta Give would receive a CBQ of -3, despite the somewhat mitigating presences of Keanu Reeves.)

So remember, a CBQ is only necessary/relevant when the pleasures of masculine cuteness match or surpass the general pleasures of a given film (except in the aforementioned ickiness factor, otherwise known as the Jack Nicholson effect). Further, a CBQ of 1* indicates a treatsy plus in an already good film. A CBQ of 2 or 3 gives a kick to an otherwise struggling film. And a CBQ of 4 or 5? Go for the scenic pleasures expecting little else...

Some CBQs for 2004:
CBQ of 1*: Closer; Friday Night Lights
CBQ of 2: The Ladykillers
CBQ of 3 : Shall We Dance?; The Day After Tomorrow; Hidalgo
CBQ of 4: The Butterfly Effect; Dodgeball; Win A Date with Tad Hamilton
CBQ of 5: Troy; Miracle; Eurotrip

And StinkyLulu welcomes you, lovely reader, to add your own CBQ assessments in the "Comments" feature...

2 comments:

criticlasm said...

I am wondering what happens when there is a mitigating factor of an estimable female presence. I am thinking here of Patricia Clarkson in Miracle, who would up the viewing quotient along with the cute boys. Meanwhile, Helen Hunt is a liability in the aformentioned As Good as it Gets, as she would weigh in somewhere around Jack Nicholson. Is this a different quotient, or another aspect of the CBQ? Perhaps the WWL, or worth-it leading ladies?

criticlasm said...

Okay--I am now into this idea--perhaps women we love quotient (WWLQ)? Like HOlly Hunter and Kathy Bates in that awful train wreck of a movie LIttle Black Book--or Joan Cusack in anything. Formula for that perhaps too, please. Math is hard.