"I Will Light a Candle for Carlos Today" (Remembering Carlos Esquibel: October 9, 1968-October 24, 2005)

From MrStinky-

I am currently in Santa Fe doing a yoga workshop with Tias Little who was also Carlos' teacher. As much as I am sorry I am not in Albuquerque to commemorate Carlos' passing I can't think of a better place to be. In being here I honor Carlos' memory.

Immediately after Carlos' death I came up to Santa Fe to tell Tias what had happened. After that week I stopped going to Santa Fe for yoga. It was mostly beacuse I was busy with work (at least that's what I told myself). I hadn't thought of it much until I finally did come back after months of being away. When I entered the yoga studio, I became aware of Carlos' absence. The class was great and, when I was driving south on I-25, the feelings really hit. Whenever Carlos or I would be driving home from a class with Tias, we would call each other to share how "high" we felt. Carlos spoke passionately about whatever Tias had taught that day hanging on his every word. I no longer had someone to share that experience with and only Carlos knew what it was like.

I started having anxiety attacks a few months ago. This is something that had happened to me when I first got sober 8 years ago so when it started I didn't think much of it. As it continued and worsened I decided to seek help. In therapy I was able to talk about all that had happened in the past year and the biggest thing was Carlos' death. I had pushed the feelings away for so long that my mind was rebelling. And today I know that what I feel is sadness.

I will light a candle for Carlos today and remember his amazing sense of style, his wit and intelligence. But mostly I will remember his love. Not just his love for me, his friends, his family – Tom Ford – but his love for life.

- Michael Quanci