Lulu Lied, or StinkyLulu's Oscar Reflux

Hello, Lovely Reader.
A few of you caught StinkyLulu's pre-Oscar post -- the Barfys -- wherein StinkyLulu promised once again that the "Best Picture" contest mattered not a whit.

Well.

Lulu lied.

See, Lulu never truly thought it could happen that the insipid Crash would take it -- but there ya go. Lulu's beginning to come around to MrStinky's theory -- that wherever Sandra Bullock goes, unimaginable potential for crap follows... And how perfect was it that Oscar's own resident face of Satan was sent to deliver the news.

Crash?

That.
Plus Dolly actually didn't win.

Intellectually, StinkyLu acknowledges that the whole frickin' overrated movie was about cutting that winning track & so the song was the only song that actually had narrative significance. (A criteria StinkyLulu has spent many an Oscar defending as the reason to prefer "awful nominated song A" over "awful nominated song B.") But who'da thunk that StinkyLulu's own Oscar-song-rationalization'd be brought to bear against Dolly?!?! Dolly!?!?

(And why didn't Dolly get a nice trannie interpretive dance?!?! In the interest of fairness?!?)

But GoshGollyMissDolly -- she sure did look like Bobble-Head Dolly, didn't she? (Thanks for the pic, fourfour.)

So, those -- "Best Pic" & "Best Song" -- were the big moments of Oscar reflux. The "Best Actor" nausea -- had ample warning, there. Actually tried to tally the number of Barfys won -- lost count after Geisha got its third prize. Ack! And things just started getting kuh-razy...

Other moments of note from StinkyLulu's Oscars'06:

• Did anybody else catch the shot of "latino row" where JLo, Marc Anthony, and Salma were all stuck in the same 2nd row? Almost cute. Almost.

• Speaking of JLo -- she looked great.
But didja really need all the bronzer J?

Looked almost like Will Ferrell in that actually-pretty-funny makeup intro.

• Likewise -- Salma? Gorgeous. But what that dress did to her girls!

Or really her left girl. A cruel squish job on lefty there...

• And poor Naomi. Someone really should remind her not to use her garment bag as a cat-carrier. 'Specially not on Oscar night.

• Really, the only one to come out looking scary good was George.

He should host next year. Or run for President. Or something.

StinkyLulu was gonna go on a rant about "Cute Props" (ie. Matching Bow-Ties for Oscar &/or Stuffed Penguins) but then started to think about Rachel McAdams' bedazzled dress & Betty Bacall's inabilities (Those FancyFeast & TuesdayMorning endorsements have lost all credibility Betty!).

But really. The Oscars -- for 2 years running now -- just made Lulu sad & tired. Ah well. The Lu'll be back next year. (Now would be a perfect moment for an "Ah Wish Ah Cud Quit Choo" line to describe StinkyLu's feelings for Oscar -- but that's about as fresh as comments about how Ryan Phillippe is so starting a garage band with Nick Lachey & Chad Lowe.)

See you next year, Lovely Reader.
Maybe by then they'll be able to put Gil Cates in the necrology.
(That's TERRible, Lulu!)
Yeah?!? Well, so's Crash.

Lulu's Last-Minute Oscar Party Links

As you know, StinkyLulu's not hosting this year. But years upon years of previous hosting experiences have Lulu's muscle memory in overdrive. (How oh how did all this ever happen on a Monday?!?) So, lovely reader, StinkyLu offers...

Lulu's Links for Last-Minute Oscar Party Prep:

• For those of your preparing your OscarVoting, Nathaniel's Predictions and Analysis come in so very handy. The best Lu's ever seen. (And just because Nathaniel's one of the ModFab6, that doesn't mean that Lu's at all biased.)

• For those of you wanting to go all OscarSnob and feel very smarty about one of "lesser" awards, be sure not to miss Julia Turner's Why Costume Designers Hate The Oscars over at Slate. 'Tis very cool.

• For those of you still not sure OscarFood to make for the masses arriving to your abode this evening, check out the wealth of fast, fun & fag-pleasing recipes over at
BlogHungry.

• For those of you warming to snark on OscarFashion, limber up with the divas over at
Go Fug Yourself. They really do reinvent the genius of the artful snipe.

StinkyLulu's Barfy Oscar Predictions

Twas the night before Oscar & all over the net.
Filmfags were spinning theories & laying their bets...

But StinkyLulu long ago stopped trying to predict what would or should win at the Oscars. Others (upon others) are much more skilled than little ole Lulu. Nevertheless, StinkyLulu does have passionate opinions about all matters Oscar. Further, for the first time in years -- nay decades -- StinkyLulu's not watching Oscar in the context of an Oscar party. Nor is Lu participating in any sort of betting pool. Nor is Lulu watching along with millions of others who share a hi-speed internet connection. No, lovely reader, StinkyLulu will be enjoying the OscarCast in the relative peace, quiet and internet-free-zone of GrannyStinky's house. (See, StinkyLu stays with GrannyStinky 3-4 nights a week & Sunday's one of Lu's regular nights.) All of which means that StinkyLulu is without the traditional sense of Oscar community this year.

So -- even though StinkyLulu tries not get all snarkymean too too often -- the Oscars are a special occasion & StinkyLulu has elected to inaugurate a new Oscar tradition. A tradition of community, comradeship and hilarity through which you -- lovely reader -- might share some of Lulu's inevitable pain on Oscar night.

StinkyLulu's BARFYs!!!
Wherein StinkyLulu anticipates throwing up just a little if the following names are called on Oscar night. (Nothing against the individual nominees, mind you -- at least not in most cases.)

• BEST ACTOR: Philip Seymour Hoffman. Yeah, yeah. Uncanny. Also boring, obvious, & emotionally bereft showboating. What's really uncanny is how well that man plays self-obsession.

• BEST ACTRESS: Judi Dench. Luv huh. But the Dame farts & scores a nomination these days.

• BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Frances MacDormand. Not quite a Dench-syndrome, but close.

• BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Paul Giammatti. If none of the other nominees were any good, to make up for Sideways and American Splendor -- MAAAAAAYBE... But not in this field. Sorry. Plus when you're a not-pretty actor working in Hollywood you pretty much HAVE to be as good as you were in this movie. So nopers.
  

• BEST SCORE: John Williams. Now, this one won't be a little throw-up -- this'll be a "batten down the hatches" barf-o-rama. Goldarnit, nnnnoooooooooooo!

• BEST DOCUMENTARY: March of the Penguins. Never thought the wingnuts could get the Lulu mad at penguins, plus the movie's contributed several new iconic moments of lame.

• BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Paul Haggis, Crash. Multiple storylines cleverly converging around a unifying theme of social and emotional significance don't automatically make something great -- if you doubt, watch any episode of 7th Heaven. Plus StinkyLulu still hates you for the fact of Million Dollar Baby.

• BEST DIRECTOR: Paul Haggis, Crash. See Best Original Screenplay.

• BEST SONG: Anything but Dolly. O'course.

and don't forget about the

• SPECIAL TECHNICAL BARFYs: Any award going to Geisha, War of the Worlds or King Kong. Which means that vomit's guaranteed during Best Sound Editing.

For most of the rest of the biggish categories, and skipping over the shorts (cuz hey who doesn't), Lu wouldn't gag if any of the nominees won, including Best Picture. But there's really just one category where Lu truly liked everything.

• THE ONLY TRULY SAFELY NO-BARF CATEGORY: Best Animated Feature. All pretty great, really.
  

Can't wait for the broadcast.
And do think of StinkyLulu anytime a Barfy is awarded.
It promises to be a technicolor night.

If StinkyLu were the Oscar Fairy...

You devotees of ModFab have likely already seen the ModFab6 Oscar'06 Round-Up. But as a special treat for you, lovely reader, if you are interested in still more PrognOscarcation, consider StinkyLulu's full-out Oscar fantasy. It appears below, along with the prompt from ModFab maven, Gabriel.

Modern Fabulousity wrote:

Oscar Predictions: Tell us who SHOULD win in each category. If you were the Goddess of Oscar, who would you anoint?

Hmmmm. If StinkyLulu were Goddess of Oscar....
If StinkyLulu were Goddess of Oscar, the following scenario might well occur:

• Only selected "Very Special Lulus" would be awarded, and none would go anywhere near the extravagant rumpledness of Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
• Shirley MacLaine would get a special Lulu for "Unrelenting Fabulousness" (Dolly could be the presenter) -- not a a career award, mind you -- merely a just acknowledgement for her consistently redemptive presence in any number of otherwise annoying films this year.
• Heath, Keira, George & Rachel would all get "When You're THAT Pretty, You Really Don't Have to Be THAT Good" Prizes for their career re-charting performances.
• Michelle Williams would get a special "It's OK to Be Happy" Medal.
• David Straithairn would get the "You Can Be My Daddy" Statue.
• JakeG would get a "Thanks for the Nekkid" Award.
• All nominees in all categories would get a special "Free Pass to Work With Ang Lee" certificate.
• Amy Adams would get to wear StinkyLulu's special "Princess of the Party" tiara.
• Dolly's song "Travellin' Thru" would win by acclamation as all the acting nominees would rush the stage to get down with some fierce trannies reinterpreting some vintage Debbie Allen choreography.
• Everyone would forget all about Best Picture, because who cares really. (Puh-leeze, StinkyLulu's been watching the Oscar telecast with religious/fiendish devotion for more than a quarter century -- ! -- & still like to never gives a crap/JoanRivers by the time it rolls around to the last prize of the night. Unless someone real kuh-raaazzy's presenting it, like Bette Davis or Elizabeth Taylor. But that's a rare delight.)

All told, it would certainly be a Lulu of a time.
If StinkyLulu were Goddess of Oscar, that is...

But before you get your hopes up, be sure to reminisce with StinkyLu's Oscar'05 Re-cap. A useful reminder of just how awful Gil Cates can be.

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