5 Stinky Thoughts on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew - Episode 4: "Sex and Trauma"

Each week I offer a quick recaplet on the latest episode of the new VH1 experiment in candid celebreality, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. The fun continues this week with episode 4, "Sex and Trauma."

Thought #1: How 'Bout That Duh-RAMA?
A more apt title for this episode might have been "Sex, Lies and Dumb Alibis." First, there was Joanie/Chyna who was trying to get a pass to go to a party at the Playboy mansion because Hef is one of the only people who has been there for her in her life. A pass. From rehab. To go hang out with Hugh Hefner. At the Playboy Mansion. ("Dear Joanie. I'm pleased to inform you that your entry into the Super Stupid Request Contest has been selected as a finalist...") Then there's the whole basically unsupervised pool party with friends and family. (How's that working for ya, Pasadena Recovery Center.) Oh - and don't forget the "Secret Phone" sneakiness. Or the litany of reasons why DaBaldwin really really just had to leave the facility in order to maintain the quality of his sobriety. Cameras and wet t-shirts and interventions, oh my! Sheesh. The duh-Rama.

Thought #2: Severe Chronic Assholism, Exhibit C.
Surprise surprise...DaBaldwin's at it non-stop in this episode. Good for him if he's really doing what he says he's doing: removing himself from those people, places and things that act as triggers to his using. BUT methinks his protestations about the environment being detrimental to his sobriety are all a big-ass smokescreen. It seems abundantly clear that DaBaldwin's not being entirely honest about the simple fact that, in addition to cocaine and alcohol, one of his core addictions is sex. And I betcha the sex is the one he's not abstaining from. He's all willing to be a sobriety superhero on the drugs and alcohol, but he's unwilling to get honest about his impulse to act out sexually (which, if next week's teasers are to be believed, he's been doing all the while). All his loud bullying, all his declamatory pronouncements about his superior sobriety, all his rationalizations about why he needed to leave -- 'twas all a pile of patently dishonest drama, the kind that addicts so artfully spin to gain "cover" so they can sneak off and do whatever they need to do. Classic classic classic. Indeed, for all DaBaldwin's hollering sermons about "my sobriety's all I have", it does seem that -- by placing himself on a pedestal as the sobriety superhero and then lying and cheating his way through the process -- DaBaldwin's actually the one that's being detrimental to everyone else's sobriety. It's sad, because he's a transparent mess with plenty enough ego to keep his kind of destruction going and going and going. (And, frankly, I find it just noxious that it seems he acted out on the most vulnerable rehabitant, Mary "Ask-Mary-She'll-Do-Anything" Carey. That's the work of a predator, not a victim, DaBaldwin -- no matter how loud you say you're sober.)

Thought #3: Moments of Clarity with NurseShelly.
Alas, NurseShelly was just a fleeting presence in this week's episode, mostly acting as the "phone collector"... But that did not mean NurseShelly didn't make her presence felt. There was, of course, NurseShelly's "Nice to see you this morning, Jeff" and her easygoing acceptance of Jeff's "apology" for his "crabby" behavior the night before. But the best moments came when NurseShelly manifested without even being in the room, as when Brigitte became NurseSonja, rebuffing Joanie/Chyna's Playboy Mansion proposal with a very NurseShelly-esque: "Well, honey, you're not going. Kiss that dream goodbye." An even better instance came when the rehabitants were all up in arms about the wet t-shirts in the pool, and Ricco (he of last week's promised NurseShelly headlock) expressed his wish that NurseShelly would have been around to keep the rehabitants in line. That NurseShelly, she's a stealthy one (even if her ability to sniff out 2nd phones apparently does need some work)...

Thought #4: What I Didn't Need To See.
Was Jeff Conaway asking actress Rena Riffel (the friend Mary Carey invited to the pool party, whose main film credits the show would have us believe are only Showgirls and Striptease): "You don't do threesomes, do you?" Inappropriate, sure, but mostly just...EW! The notion of IcyHotJeff in a rehabitant threesome is just...EW! Plus, the notion of Jeff and skeery girlfriend Vikki hooking up with some random Hollywood blonde? Just a little too vividly plausible. Of course, it might just be that StinkyLulu's still reeling from the discovery of Vikki's "Krazee" musical/sexual stylings. (Don't miss that 3rd track -- the poignantly titled "Masturbate" featuring Jeff doing dirty talk as Kenickie-- for't takes us well into a whole new zone of Celebrity Tragic. But be warned, lovely reader, you will not emerge from the world of Vikki Lizzi unscarred.)

Thought #5: Celebrity Rehab's Lessons in Sobriety.
This episode offers a surprisingly vivid portrait of a strange truth of addictive behavior: "when the addict decides s/he's going to use, there's little anyone can do to stop it." Something happens to DaBaldwin in this episode - he's jonesin' for a fix and, even with this show's "chronology-be-damned" editing style, it becomes clear that DaBaldwin spent this day or so trying to stage a scenario in which he could make his exit and maintain his image of supersobriety. There's a moment, right as DaBaldwin's getting ready to Jet, when Conaway goes off on him and you can see DaBaldwin's hackles rise. On the one hand, it's a "how dare you" moment but, on another, it shows how absolutely certain that DaBaldwin is that he's not going to drink or to drug when he leaves. And I believe him -- that no alcohol or cocaine is in his plans. However, something -- a pile of porn or a prostitute or something else entirely -- is. But what's interesting is that basic truth: if a person in their addiction has decided they're going to use, there's nothing really you can do to stop them. The best thing you CAN do is what Brigitte and DrDrew did on Jeff at the beginning: TRY to get them to wait but, even then, there's no guarantee: an addict's promise to their drug of choice is the only promise you can expect an addict to keep.

Please do share your thoughts in comments, beloveds.
And be sure to tune in next week for every addict's favorite thing:
MORE!!!