5 Stinky Thoughts on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew - Episode 2: "Detox"

Each week I offer a quick recaplet on the latest episode of the new VH1 experiment in candid celebreality, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. The fun continues this week with episode 2, "Detox."

Thought #1: How 'Bout That Trippy New Intro?
I think the nifty intro thing is my favorite part of this second episode, "Detox." The main feature of the new intro is Dr. Drew's Real World-esque voiceover monologue: Celebrities love to party/ But many of them don't know when to stop/ It's time to see what really happens/ When a group of addicted celebrities/ Check into treatment/ And try to quit/ Drugs and alcohol/ I'm Dr. Drew and this is Celebrity Rehab. But, as Dr. Drew speaks his piece, two things happen. Despairing shots of each "cast member" roll as we see the text of Dr. Drew's herky jerky speech pile up next to the the celebrities' very attractive faces. It's cute how the graphics that spell out the text wiggle and blur, piling atop one another, seemingly unable to follow a straight line (suggesting, you know, what it's like to try and read while you're loaded). It's also cute how the background for each text panel is either all powdery or all dropletty (evoking, you know, the slop of drugs or alcohol). Plus, all of it is done in that curious shade of blue (you know, that "Dr. Drew Blue" - a housepaint blend soon to be available at a fine dispensary near you) bringing a trippy sort of anti-calm to the proceedings..

Thought #2: Severe Chronic Assholism, Exhibit A.
The Baldwin family predisposition toward behaving as a giant, pompous ass - do we know whether it's congenital? Severe chronic assholism seems to be manifested by nearly every member of the bloated Long Island clan. Indeed, if Baldwinesque pomposity does turn out to be a distinct medical condition, methinks Daniel Baldwin might be the most symptomatic. The man does seem to suffer from a metastasized form of logorrhea idiocia, that common but often undiagnosed affliction -- easily aggravated by drug and alcohol abuse -- in which the patient talks incessantly while spouting egregiously inappropriate or inaccurate commentary on the people and situations around him. Between near constant advice-giving, and his mancrush on Seth (especially that spooning fantasy), and his just wrong description of DTs ("Stereotypically those shakes are called DTs and they're from alcohol") and his "my sponsor said" righteous bitchiness in group, Baldwin's case of logorrhea idiocia might make him a danger to himself or others.

Thought #3: Moments of Clarity with NurseShelly.
My favorite exchange of the week comes, unsurprisingly enough, via Resident Tech Shelly, who we'll just keep calling "Nurse Shelly" (even though she's not an RN). This week's "Moment of Clarity with NurseShelly" comes when that Baldwin's out in some sitting area, regaling a mildly stunned Jessica Sierra with a barrage of oddly misstated sobriety platitudes, when Nurse Shelly interrupts: "I'm sorry to interrupt but we have to go to group now." Baldwin reacts immediately: "I've been trying to go to group for five minutes!" To which, Nurse Shelly coolly responds: "I was waiting for you to finish your sentence." Indeed. You and me both, sister.

Thought #4: What I Didn't Need To See.
There was a surprising amount of butt this episode. Between Mary Carey's fart ("Well, that's the food from rehab!") and NurseWilliam's swabbing of Jeff Conaway's buttocks and inner thighs with IcyHot (NurseWilliam: "I know what you're trying to do. I've been played like that before"), this week really did take us deep inside the intimate, inner workings of the rehab process. (Click either image to enlarge for the full spectacle.)

Thought #5: Celebrity Rehab's Lessons in Sobriety.
I keep thinking that the most important thing this strange show might do is show the truth of Dr. Drew's quip about prescription narcotics: "Heroin in pill form." Conaway is such a stark and disturbing example of how awful addiction to prescription opiates (like OxyContin, Norco, Vicodin) can be. It's pretty amazing to watch our resident hardcore junkie Conaway, who's just entering the realm of near-humanity, throw a fit when his skeery girlfriend Vikki has to delay her visit by 2 hours. When you hear Conaway tossing a stupid fit with NurseShelly about visiting hours? That, my kittens, is a junkie talking. Conaway doesn't give an IcyHot poop about Vikki. He's hoping she's got something he can hit off of, and that two hours is simply too too long for HIM to wait for his TRUE love, LadyVicodin. Keep that in mind when he goes off the real Vikki in the previews for next week, which looks to be real pleasant.

Please do share your thoughts in comments, beloveds.
And be sure to tune in next week for every addict's favorite thing:
MORE!!