If StinkyLu were the Oscar Fairy...

You devotees of ModFab have likely already seen the ModFab6 Oscar'06 Round-Up. But as a special treat for you, lovely reader, if you are interested in still more PrognOscarcation, consider StinkyLulu's full-out Oscar fantasy. It appears below, along with the prompt from ModFab maven, Gabriel.

Modern Fabulousity wrote:

Oscar Predictions: Tell us who SHOULD win in each category. If you were the Goddess of Oscar, who would you anoint?

Hmmmm. If StinkyLulu were Goddess of Oscar....
If StinkyLulu were Goddess of Oscar, the following scenario might well occur:

• Only selected "Very Special Lulus" would be awarded, and none would go anywhere near the extravagant rumpledness of Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
• Shirley MacLaine would get a special Lulu for "Unrelenting Fabulousness" (Dolly could be the presenter) -- not a a career award, mind you -- merely a just acknowledgement for her consistently redemptive presence in any number of otherwise annoying films this year.
• Heath, Keira, George & Rachel would all get "When You're THAT Pretty, You Really Don't Have to Be THAT Good" Prizes for their career re-charting performances.
• Michelle Williams would get a special "It's OK to Be Happy" Medal.
• David Straithairn would get the "You Can Be My Daddy" Statue.
• JakeG would get a "Thanks for the Nekkid" Award.
• All nominees in all categories would get a special "Free Pass to Work With Ang Lee" certificate.
• Amy Adams would get to wear StinkyLulu's special "Princess of the Party" tiara.
• Dolly's song "Travellin' Thru" would win by acclamation as all the acting nominees would rush the stage to get down with some fierce trannies reinterpreting some vintage Debbie Allen choreography.
• Everyone would forget all about Best Picture, because who cares really. (Puh-leeze, StinkyLulu's been watching the Oscar telecast with religious/fiendish devotion for more than a quarter century -- ! -- & still like to never gives a crap/JoanRivers by the time it rolls around to the last prize of the night. Unless someone real kuh-raaazzy's presenting it, like Bette Davis or Elizabeth Taylor. But that's a rare delight.)

All told, it would certainly be a Lulu of a time.
If StinkyLulu were Goddess of Oscar, that is...

But before you get your hopes up, be sure to reminisce with StinkyLu's Oscar'05 Re-cap. A useful reminder of just how awful Gil Cates can be.

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Reports of RateYourStudents.Com's Demise Have Been Exaggerated!!!

Sure looks like RateYourStudents is back. And, from the look of things, it promises to be better than ever...

So a big Yay to "The Professor"! (Thanks again for alleviating the occasional aches and pains brought on by teacherly exertion. The site really does help...more than anything over-the-counter/bar ever could.)

Guaranteed Sex Appeal

from Mandate: The International Magazine of Entertainment & Eros
February 1980, page 48.

The Perils of Pervy Pisspots

The men's room just a few paces from StinkyLulu's office also just happens to be a notorious "cruising" spot on the campus where StinkyLu teaches.

It's a strange situation. It's the bathroom closest to Lulu's office -- the only other john anywhere close by is actually in one of the theatre dressing rooms, and the next-nearest is upstairs and on the opposite side of the building (clocked at a 9-minute roundtrip).

This pervy potty is just across the hall. And not only does Lulu consume vats of Diet Coke on a daily basis, but the fact of Lulu's teensy bladder necessitates frequent visits to the water closet. But it's tough to know how to feel when a simple jaunt across the hall to pee also obviously interrupts someone else's anonymous debauch.

Here, it's worth clarifying: StinkyLulu's never really "gone there" in terms of the whole anonymous bathroom hookup thing (despite the centrality in StinkyLulu's adult life of libraries and college campuses -- some of the only non-truckstopish environs wherein such proclivities continue to flourish). That said, the practice of bathroom homosex has always been the subject -- simultaneously -- of involuntary fascination, vicarious thrill, and intermittent revulsion for StinkyLulu. Plus there's the "strange-but-true" fact that bathroom sex is nearly a primal scene of homosex for the Lu. Way back when Lu was a wee little Stinky, just a Little Lulu as 'twere, StinkyLu stumbled into one of the most legendary homosex bathrooms in Albuquerque: Men's Bathroom, Sears, Coronado Mall, circa 1977-1984. It was around 1980. StinkyLu went in. Noticed that it seemed awful crowded. Stood awkwardly, certain that there was a line for the pisspot that Lu hadn't quite yet recognized. Then a man. In a stall. Wagging his wiener and wiggling his finger. It was -- it seemed clear -- an invitation. To something. Stunned, Lulu fled. (O'course barely a year or so later, Lu realized the nature of the venue & the invite & then proceeded to spend much of a pent-up adolescence mourning the missed opportunity.)

Anyway. The Lu does digress.
Back to the tawdry toilet across the hall.

Started out the school year wanting to be "polite" -- tossing out a gentle "ahem" or loud stomp to warn potential busyboys that a civilian was entering the nasty zone.

Then, ever the student of human behavior, StinkyLulu opted to approach it as something of a research opportunity -- noting evidence of the standard bathroom-sex strategies. (Bags pushed up to conceal the view of the footwell; jackets tossed over the tops of the stall doors -- StinkyLulu fergits what this actually means but Inez once told Lulu it meant sumpthin' to the Tearoom Trade; "tap foot" messages scrawled in the grout; almost over-powering cologne -- don't ask; etcetera, etcetera). Lulu's "clever" research tactic lost its appeal one afternoon when Lu recognized an acquaintance exit the bathroom, trick in tow. Ideals of social-scientific objectivity finally squashed & leaving behind a sticky mess.

Now, it's official: Lulu's just annoyed.
It's not hot. It's not cute. It's not subversive. It's just squicky.
And Lulu just wants to pee.

Stinkylulu's WednesDAY OF BEAUTY

Central Avenue SE • Albuquerque, NM • February 2006
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12th Street NW • Albuquerque, NM • February 2006

Monday Monday

What StinkyLulu's Been Thinking About All Day:

Original Broadway Cast of West Side Story
Winter Garden Theater, New York City, 1957.

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Be sure to check out Mod Fab6's 1st "This Week in Modern Fabulousity". Fun fun fun for all.

Forgetting to Eat + Tortilla Pie

Really shoulda taken a picture of dinner last night.

Just spent a few moments over with Dr.S, reading, heartstruck, her beautifully spun recent post about food. Especially profound is the way Dr.S "smites" with the revelation: "I have lost my appetite again." Now, it may surprise some of you lovely readers to know that StinkyLulu knows what that means. That Lu -- who happened to be consuming Valentine's peanut M&Ms by the handful while reading Dr.S' prose, a fact which will remain acknowledged but undiscussed -- also forgets to eat, especially when consumed by satisfying work. Really, it's part of a more general experience that is obstinately opaque to those who don't share it. And it provides a simple reminder that Lulu's relationship to food is oddly, if consistently, disorderly -- very occasionally disordered -- but more frequently just disorderly.

Of course, of the two, MrStinky is the one who's completely food obsessed. MrStinky's the one who plans meals days in advance, who fasts so he can feast, who's a trained nutritional consultant. Meanwhile, Lu'll casually share at bedtime about having not eaten anything since breakfast & MrStinky'll be all "whaddayamean you forgot to eat?" MrStinky's also the one who's skinnyskinnyskinny. Lulu, on the other hand, is a big boned gal. It's a curious discordance.

Yet Lu loves food and, just last night, after forgetting to eat all day, StinkyLulu concocted a favorite signature recipe. So, as testament to the strange discordance of Lulu's food life, now's as good a time as any to offer StinkyLulu's first recipe:

StinkyLulu's Tortilla Pie*
Ingredients: Almost stale flour tortillas. Almost old pinto beans. Leftover pork roast. Can of black olives. Scoop of hot salsa (Sadie's works real good). + Gobs and gobs of cheese (cojack works best).
Assembly Instructions: Mix scoop of salsa into pinto beans. Slather butter all over the bottom of a baking dish. Place a tortilla or 2 -- torn into irregular chunks of about 3" -- along bottom of dish. Scoop bean/salsa mixture to cover. Toss hunks of roast, crushed olive chunks, and gobs of cheese (grating unnecessary). Repeat layering until out of ingredients or space, whichever comes first. Be sure to save some cheese for top of dish.
Cooking Instructions: Place dish on a cookie sheet & put uncovered into oven, preheated to 350 degrees or so. Cook the fuck out of it. (Usually at least 75 minutes) When all bubbly & crusty, remove from oven, stir all to hell, & let rest for at least 30 minutes. Serve however. (Leftovers can be reheated for most of the following week.)

*Please note that the "pie" in "Tortilla Pie" -- while clearly acknowledging the influence of FRITO PIE -- also signals the simple fact that the word "pie" has a magic effect of making anything sound tasty, decadent, & homemade.

Brokeback Panic: Geek Edition

Yesterday afternoon, The Stinkys discovered a unexpectedly open 3-hour window of time. It being Friday -- a matinee seemed an ideal option. It being the provinces in February -- the pickings were slim. So The Stinkys settled on a piece of patently low-brow, cashmongering Hollywood pap.

Arriving to the googaplex, The Stinkys piled onto a longer than expected line right behind a gaggle of about six guys. Clearly good buds, all probably in their first or second year of college, either of a gangly or globular build, each of whom would likely prove to be quite competitive at an open casting call for the next season of Beauty and the Geek.

An agitated, chattery pair -- boy-girl dyad -- arrived to stand in line behind the Stinkys. The boy-half of the dyad possessed a voice that, with every utterance and inflection, sang in what Lu can only call "geek dialect." (You know the voice: high throated, characterized by vocal strain, staccato rhythm, & sharp shallow gaspy giggles.) This new guy -- Lu'll call him "Uber-Geek" -- recognized the gaggle just in front of the Stinkys.

Uber-Geek hollered something to catch the geek gaggle's attention. The gaggle turned to see the source of the voice & appeared immediately visibly aggrieved by Uber-Geek's presence, the presence of Geek-Girl & The Stinky buffer notwithstanding. Then -- somehow the fact of Brokeback Mountain bubbled into Uber-Geek's banter.

UBER-GEEK: "Heheh. I won't go within a mile of anywhere showing that movie."
GEEK-GIRL: "They're showing it at this theater."
UBER-GEEK: "Well. I won't go anywhere near the bathroom then."

(pause)

UBER-GEEK: (to GEEK-GIRL) Jeremy saw it! (then really loud, for theatrical effect, to GAGGLE) Hey, Jeremy! You coming back to see Brokeback AGAIN!?!? How many time's you seen that movie?!? Heheheheh.

(GAGGLE collectively sighs. Some eye-rolling occurs. JEREMY -- one of the GAGGLE, almost cute, due for a haircut & new pants -- replies, matching UBER-GEEK's volume and theatricality.)

JEREMY: It's only my 4th or 5th time!
UBER-GEEK: (Low. To GEEK-GIRL.) Toldja. Heheheheheh.
JEREMY: (Low. To self more than GAGGLE, not quite smiling.) Wish I knew how to quit dat movie...

The scene played on, with UBER-GEEK being increasingly, insufferably show-offy for GEEK-GIRL's benefit (?).

But, through it all, seemed pretty clear that JEREMY was the real Geek catch of the day.

For That Super Sexy Disco Feeling

From Mandate: The International Magazine of Entertainment and Eros
November 1979, page 83.

CraftyLulu

One of StinkyLulu's secrets -- not so deep, and not that dark -- is that Lulu's Crafty. Or, more precisely, StinkyLulu's capable of getting real crafty. (Not always a good thing.) And, most frighteningly, StinkyLu is subject to crafty fantasies. (Gratefully, for much of the past decade, StinkyLu's craftiness has been productively diverted toward a nominally respectable craft/obsession: quilting.)

Lately, however, StinkyLulu's been so busy/distracted/delirious -- so much so that quilting's not getting done. At all. And that quilting vacuum creates a somehow dangerous space, makes room for crafty longings, stirs the desire -- yea verily -- roils the lust for such perilous pleasures as vicarious crafting. [Insert ominous music cue here.] Of course this latest faux-hobby is delivered via "idiot box" most mornings & comprises StinkyLu's latest teevee fixation: HGTV's Crafters From Coast To Coast.

It's on HGTV so you know right away it's gonna be really a sorta awful show. But golly it's nifty to wake up to! The preternaturally pert host Angela Martinez (less a "host" than a "random tv-segment wraparounder") introduces 3 crafters/artists from various corners of the country, each of whom -- through the magic of television -- guides the viewer step-by-step through the creation of their signature craft. You get it all: polymer clay perversity, fused glass party games, contempo-heritage candelabras, WTF. It's really the whole kaboodle (& it comes in a kit!).

But the part that Lulu finds particularly enthralling is how these apparently decent folks all seem to have received the same "coaching" prior to filming: BE AS F-U-N AS POSSIBLE! And, really, it can be somewhat alarming to see each these sincere women and men all turn their charm knobs to 11. Puts the erk in perky, the ook in kooky... and yet it's just the kind of trainwreck Lulu loves. The only problem is that it's all kinda hypnotizing...the sincerity mixes with the creativity and combines with the quick editing to show all kinds of things that you can give as gifts or maybe even sell at summer craft fairs and gallery collectives. The only limit's your imagination! (gasp!!! Breathe, Lulu, breathe dammit!)

These are not always the best thoughts to put in Lulu's susceptible noggin, specially right at dawn. Starts Lulu to fantasizing about mod-podging ornamental geegaws into freestanding canine sculptures, or making hairbows out of candy wrappers and safety pins, or even worse.
It's really just not safe. Not at all.

But dang it's good teevee.

StinkyLulu's WednesDAY OF BEAUTY

For a good while, StinkyLulu's wanted to start an on-line gallery featuring images of especially -- ahem -- impressive hair salons. In particular, the Lu has an abiding fondness for those extra "punny" names that seem to pop up in each & every locality... You know the sort.

This week seems as good as any to finally get things started on this new Stinky series: StinkyLulu's WednesDAY OF BEAUTY. Each week StinkyLulu'll offer a photo of a very special beauty shop -- particularly punny, extra wiggy, alarmingly fabulous -- each week'll be an adventure. (An extra fun adventure, lovely reader, if you send pics of your favorite beauty zone...just a thought. Hint hint.)

Kicking things off is SHEAR FREEDOM -- a little shop on the edge of Taos, New Mexico. Just off the main drag, on an alley -- this admittedly blurry photo comes from Fall '04...

A Very Stinky Valentine's

Happy Valentine's Day, lovely readers.


The Stinkys collaborated on the crafting of this hodgepodge self-portrait some time ago. Dare ya to guess who's who...

It's the Stinkys' 3rd Valentine's Day together.

3 Stinky Valentine's. That simple fact still amazes the Lu to no end. Really. Who'da thunk't? First, that StinkyLu'd be so lucky to have a MrStinky. Second, that MrStinky would be such a sweet silly sexy goofball. And third, that each Stinky year'd be so much sweeter than the one before it. All of which got the Lu to thinking back on the gifts that StinkyLulu gave MrStinky on previous Valentine's Days...

• The 1st Stinky Valentine came in a box via USPS cuz StinkyLu was still living back in DaHaven.
• The 2nd Stinky Valentine (only a much sloppier miniature version) when StinkyLu was broke & barely back to the Land of Enchantment.
• Tonight, the 3rd Stinky Valentine is currently on order at Tiger Lily. (Worry not, MrStinky like to never reads this blog).

Sure. Valentine's is sorta a totally BS made up holiday. But for someone like Lulu, who never ever in a million gazillion years thought a true love would land, Valentine's becomes a day to be grateful. For the magic and marvel of simple love.

Love is sweet.
And worth the work. And the willingness. And the willingness to work.
Be sure to tell your friends.

Gratefully yours,
StinkyLu

The ModFab6 Has Arrived!!!

Oh. Oh. Oh.
Lovely readers, StinkyLulu's heart swells.

It's official. Thanks to your unfailing discernment & unflinching loyalty & unabashed cronyism,
StinkyLulu made the cut!

StinkyLulu's in The ModFab6!

Click on ModFab6's kicky new logo to be whisked off to Nathaniel's
introduction/inauguration/coronation. (Look for StinkyLu's
own breathless acceptance ramblings in the next day or so...)

So, thanks beloveds.

StinkyLulu's curious about how this fandango will play & is grateful to have lovely readers like yourself along for the inevitable hoots & hollers.