Oscar's Got No Balls
The Oscars Happened.
Feh. For the first time in many many moons, StinkyLulu says "Feh!" to Oscar!
Such a predictable ceremony with an even more tedious broadcast (such a disturbing trend that is just escalating year by year) but this year's stultifying stagger toward inconsequentiality? Jeepers. And someone needs to smack that Gil Cates (show producer)...
So StinkyLulu reluctantly proffers some thoughts on this year's broadcast:
1/ If you're gonna televise the award, respect the awardee. The incremental humiliation of the non-marquee awardees just needs to stop. Watching Jeremy Irons & Cate Blanchett wander amongst the people makes for some cute moments (ie. the snoozing nominee). But having the winner of best make-up accept their award in the aisle? Ta-Ta-TACKY! Chris Rock's right. They should at least be able to get fries with that...
2/ Blackness, with a smattering of Latin, does not in and of itself equal hip. The Oscar's are so not a black thing. So, why try so hard to make the proceeding legible to some distorted notion of a hip urban demographic? It's one thing to do the standard shot of Morgan, Spike, Samuel L. or Oprah anytime anything black happens; that's part of the racial vocabulary of award show production (witness this year's Latino Fan Club sensibilities). But Jay-Z and Puffy as two of the most prominent faces in the audience at the Oscars? That's just wierd. And very nearly insulting. Let it go and let the audience feel the love from the fact that, for the first time in Oscar history, both best actor and best supporting actor went to black men, neither of whom was named Denzel.
3/ If you're going for a capital-C concept for the "best song" category, take it ALL the way. Ok, StinkyLulu wouldn't normally ask for more Beyonce BUT...if you're gonna do "All Beyonce" make it "All Beyonce All The Time" NOT "All Beyonce Most of the Time." StinkyLulu says make her sing that Counting Crows song too. Make her sing in Spanish with Antonio. Then dump the Groban and bring Antonio back for the final nominated duet. Add a couple extra variations on the "Eyeliner by Sharpie; Eyeshadow by Reynolds Wrap" theme. Maybe bring in some Debbie Allen choreography. Drive the damn concept into the f'n ground! Drag Queens around the globe will take it to the heights. StinkyLulu knows these things...
4/ Dead Actor Roll Call. This is not the place to scrimp for time. Inclusivity trumps brevity. Sure, Sandra Dee just died but...she shoulda been on the roster. So, too, Ruth Warrick -- who died weeks BEFORE Ossie Davis & Johnny Carson. So, UNLESS the dead actor had to have some connection to AMPAS (Rodney Dangerfield surely did)... Admittedly, StinkyLulu's a little obsessed with award show necrologies but this year's Dead Actor Parade was (a) astonishingly attenuated and (b) seemed like it was pimping for AMPAS. Not cool.
5/ Spontaneous Spectacular Boobies. To be sure, the breakout star of this year's telecast was Sidney Lumet's Daughter's Chest. Indeed, the bosom on that babe provided some of the most riveting television of the night. Perhaps that could be the Big-C Concept for next year?
Cate Blanchett says she's a little freaked out by the fact that Oscar has no genitals.
Tragically, this evenings broadcast provided a case in point: Oscar has no balls.